I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

My Advice Column

I've been asked many questions over these past few days, and figured that since I've been a parent now for nigh-on seventeen days, it's about time I wrote down my thoughts and published a book on my wisdom.

Because I love you all so much, I've decided to give you guys a free sneak-peak at the kind of things that will be covered in my upcoming book, "Why Labour Hurt Me More Than It Hurt Wifey".

I'm a special brand of 'Agony Aunt'.


[begin snippet]


TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN WHO IS IN THE FINAL THROES OF LABOUR

1) See? This isn't so bad!

2) I'm tired.

3) We should start planning for our next kid when we get out of here.

4) I wonder what the cafeteria downstairs has for lunch.

5) My feet are KILLING me!

6) Ewww, that's gross.

7) (When the doctor says they're out of gas) That's okay.

8) Wait, wait, stop. The camera battery just died. Can you hold on a minute?

9) Hey, imagine if it turns out we have triplets!

10) Are you sure you want to go through with this?



FIVE THINGS NEW MOTHERS LOVE TO BE ASKED BY EVERYONE THEY MEET

1) How old is he?

2) How much did he weigh?

3) Isn't childbirth fun?

4) Is he sleeping alright?

5) How are your breasts feeling?



FIVE THINGS THAT WILL SCARE A NEW MOTHER TO DEATH WHEN SAID BY A HOSPITAL EMPLOYEE

1) Um, ... do you know where your baby is?

2) Nothing to be alarmed about ... we've just popped him down to the ICU.

3) We're just not sure which one of these five babies is yours.

4) Bad news, I'm afraid ...

5) PEDIATRIC CODE BLUE TO BIRTHING SUITE SIX!


[end snippet]


"Why Labour Hurt Me More Than It Hurt Wifey" by BEVIS (Penguin) will be available next month for just $29.95 from all good booksellers (and a couple of the dodgy ones as well).


.

5 Comments:

At Monday, October 23, 2006 2:05:00 am, Blogger treespotter said...

i don't have any kids and never had the experience to witness a woman in labor, but really, #8, how did she respond exactly?

 
At Monday, October 23, 2006 11:52:00 am, Blogger Adam said...

It's not going to have any gross pictures will it?

 
At Monday, October 23, 2006 6:31:00 pm, Blogger Javatari said...

I think they should tell women wanting to be mothers that babies tearing the vagina as they come out is a lot more common that you'd think. If someone told me that my genitals would be physically ripped during child birth I'd think twice about kids.

PS. You can put that in your book.

 
At Monday, October 23, 2006 6:39:00 pm, Blogger John Surname said...

im sure Bevis is going to show us the graphic pictures of him being born next ;)

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:24:00 am, Blogger I'm not Craig said...

Here's one more for the list of things not to say. A friend of mine was pushing and yelled at her husband to stop playing games on his laptop and actually come and support her. His reply:
"But I've nearly finished the whole level"

Yes, seriously.

 

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