I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Friday, September 02, 2005

A (Not So) Concise History Of Captain Derrington Q. Dingbat, Jr - Part 1

I was asked by John B. ... er, I mean Lt Harrington Blunderbust, to provide some of Captain Dingbat's backstory, and with the Captain's kind permission (which I intend to seek later), I am happy to announce that this is the first installment in what I hope will be an enlightening and captivating journey throughout the life experiences of Captain Derrington Q. Dingbat, Jr.

I won't necessarily be providing these snippets of his life story in chronological order, but I figured that it made logical sense to start my first update at the very beginning of his life, as I have it on good authority from a sugary-sweet, inexplicably-singing nun from some mountainous country during some long-ago war or other, that it's a very good place to start.

Born three-weeks premature in 1934 to a Swedish mother and half-English, half-German, half-Polish father, Derrington Qwerty Dingbatski II was a miracle child. His parents were holidaying in Mt Buller when 22-year-old Olga Inga Ikea Dingbatski went into labour*, and she was so surprised, she nearly fell off her skis. Luckily, she was able to complete the downhill run she had embarked upon, and it was a good thing, too, as they wouldn't be able to get their money back no matter what their excuse was.

As it was, Derrington Senior managed to convince his wife to travel back up the mountain, as they had one final lift pass to use before it expired the following week, and her husband was wise enough to know that they wouldn't be able to use it again in the days that were to follow. Always a quick thinker, was the Captain's father.

No less than two hours later, Derrington and Olga were packed up and on the road back towards Melbourne, where Derrington had insisted they use their traditional family doctor for the birth. Olga had been of two minds about this, partly because she wanted a midwife instead, and partly because the family doctor was actually a 'spin doctor', and the closest he had come to anything even remotely medical was selling non-prescription drugs behind his mixing desk at rave parties on Saturday nights at Jooce Nightclub.

Unfortunately, Olga's contractions started getting worse, and Derrington Senior was forced to pull over and lay Olga down by the side of the road. The difficult thing about this was that they were still up in the snowy area of the mountains, so Olga was lying in three feet of snow. Not the most comfortable of positions, and the situation was made worse when her waters broke and promptly froze the surrounding snow to her body.

Children being what they were (and oftentimes, still are), Derrington Jr was too impatient to wait around for long, and within four-and-a-half minutes his father was happily bouncing the lad on his knee, and holding the newborn above his head as he ran laps around the car, rejoicing - which caused Olga even more pain, as he had omitted to cut the umbilical cord first.

The next day, Olga found herself in labour again,** and little Derrington Jr was left in the care of his Nanny, as he would be many more times to come over the years, and about whom we shall discover more in another installment.

Here endeth the lesson.

Today's chapter of Captain Dingbat's Life Story was proudly brought to you by:

* This doesn't mean she was instructed by her husband to go into the workforce; it means she actually started having contractions.

** This doesn't mean she found herself having contractions; it means she was instructed by her husband to go back into the workforce.


At Friday, September 02, 2005 6:03:00 pm, Anonymous John B. said...

What an exciting birth! I wish I was a Dingbat.

Is it true what I heard about archaeologists unearthing his mother's deep frozen placenta at Mt Buller last year?

At Friday, September 02, 2005 11:30:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...


At Monday, September 05, 2005 2:47:00 pm, Blogger Channy said...

So that's why the Dingbat is such a strange guy... I look forward to more revelations about the uniqueness that is Captain Dingbat :-)

At Monday, September 05, 2005 6:05:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

Why do you like the Muppets so much?

At Tuesday, September 06, 2005 10:29:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Excellent question, Adam - thanks for asking. I will address your question in a post of its own presently.

Please check back to see my response.


At Wednesday, September 07, 2005 2:08:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

Thanks Bevis, you do good work!!*

* I assume, I haven't read it yet.


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