I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Friday, August 19, 2005


So what is it that's arrived?



(Stop acting like you don't care.)

To celebrate this most joyous day of days, I have decided to take you on a pictorial journey of my birthday cakes over the years. Some of these have been a little strange, but all of them are real cakes I have been presented with (or in some rare cases, made for myself) on the occasion of celebrating the anniversary of the day that I was savagely ripped from the comfort of my mother's womb.*

So go grab a comfy chair (I know you're already seated, but grab a more comfortable chair), squeeze yourself a lemonade, sit back and enjoy ...


CAKE # 1

For my first birthday (as evidenced by the soiled nappies, towels and wipes in the extremities of the photograph), I was of course too young to know what was going on. However, I found it a little offensive later in my childhood to look back at photos of the day and see that Dad (who never enjoyed the task of changing my nappies) decided to decorate the cake himself - and chose the moment to make fun of me.

Thanks, Dad.

Unfortunately for everyone else, he was unable to find any icing mixture, and opted to use white house paint instead. The cake was thrown out and the family ate mini-quiches.

CAKE # 2

This was the cake Mum made me for my second birthday. You can't see much of it there, because Dad was enjoying testing the new toy catapult he'd bought me by using it to hurl chunks of cake at my mouth from across the room. Mum was busy preparing the drinks down the hall at the time. As you can see, it was a dodgy catapult and I was terrorised by the whole experience for a few years.

Thanks, Dad.

The birthday cakes I received over the following years didn't help me get over my fear of cakes much, but at least Mum had instigated a strict 'no cake projectiles' policy in the house by the time my third birthday rolled around.

CAKE # 3

By the time I turned eight, I was so haunted by the idea of an emotionally-scarring birthday cake experience, that I decided to make my own. I had a grandiose plan to create a masterful work of art - indeed, a cake that would not only shame Dad into being nicer to me on my birthday, but also shame Mum for all those simlpy cakes she'd made me over the years. This cake was going to be spectacular. I envisioned in my mind's eye a tropical oasis, brought to life through the magic of cake. Here is the result:

Thanks, me.

It didn't quite turn out how I imagined it would. And a promising career in cake decoration was thwarted before it began.

CAKE # 4

Dad had his moment of glory the following year, though, when all my new school friends were gathered around me and he brought out this little number:

Thanks, Dad.

I never quite lived that one down in the school yard, but at least Dad had stopped using house paint to decorate cakes.

CAKE # 5

Needless to say, My name's not Kylie. This was for my thirteenth birthday.

Thanks, Dad.

CAKE # 6

For my sixteenth birthday, Dad continued the tradition of giving me girls' names to embarrass me, but this time added a little something extra.

Yes, arsenic. We didn't realise at the time that the skull-and-crossbones was serious, and David Tompkins had to be rushed to the emergency room and have his stomach pumped. Turns out he was alright, but he never came to one of my parties again.

Thanks, Dad.

CAKE # 7

After that, things started to get more obscure. Take my seventeenth birthday party's cake, for example:

I'm still not sure what that one was on about.

Er, ... thanks, Dad.

CAKE # 8

For my twentieth, Dad finally convinced Mum to join him in his birthday cake hijinks, and together they created the following culinary masterpiece:

Not only was it not Mum's 50th birthday, but the picture of the girl on the cake was taken from a major Australian newspaper the week before. It was the photo used in all the news reports of a little girl who'd been abducted and was feared dead. I even wondered if she had been used in the making of the cake, and politely declined my slice.

Thanks, Mum.

CAKES # 9 TO # 12

Rapid fire:

For my 21st, expecting a big deal to be made out of the cake, my parents surprised me with this minimalist approach. We don't own a pet rat. They got one from under the house for this effect. I wasn't there when this photo was taken, and was only told about it after eating the cupcake.

For my 23rd, this confusing cake was presented to the gathered guests. Not only was it not the 80th Anniversary of any battle whatsoever, but it appeared with the bottom left-hand corner already removed. Strange.

For my 24th, Dad finally cut me a break by giving me a boy's name, but still called it my 60th. I thought that was the extent of his pranks, but it turns out that he'd switched Mum's self-raising flour with industrial strength washing powder, and then laughed himself stupid as everyone spent the later part of the night throwing up. It turns out the boomerang motif spoke volumes, as each of us who'd had a slice saw the cake return again and again.

For my 25th, I was adamant that no cake would be made for the party, but I received this birthday card from Dad:

Thanks, Dad.

CAKE # 13

Unlucky for some, but here I am celebrating my 28th birthday (my first as a married man) with a special cake on the beach. Note: I have grown the moustache much longer and bushier in the two years since this photo was taken. However, in keeping with the family tradition, my name's not Jon.

Thanks, Wifey.

Here's the wild and wacky decorations my cubicle at work has been adorned with today to celebrate my 30th:

And here's the birthday card I received this morning from Dad:

Thanks, Dad.


* Note: The above statement of these cakes all being real cakes from my various birthdays throughout my life may be false. In fact they are. But it's my birthday, so what are you going to do about it?**

** Don't answer that.


At Friday, August 19, 2005 9:45:00 am, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...

Happy Birthday

see i even used capitals for you

this post made me laugh and laugh

hope you have a great day

you've been a very busy bevis putting all this together. cheers!

[cracks open bottle of champagne, blows a whistle, realises it's 9.44am, looks around, decides to put champagne away, then rethinks, gets it back out. thinks 'no one will ever know']

At Friday, August 19, 2005 9:48:00 am, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...


i'm the first one here, saying congrats and you didn't even visit my blog to spam me!

At Friday, August 19, 2005 10:21:00 am, Blogger Tuppence said...

Happy birthday Bevis.

At Friday, August 19, 2005 10:27:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Thanks, melbournegirl. I simply hadn't gotten to you yet, is all! :)

You were on my list, though. And I 'spammed' your blog before I read the above comments.

I appreciate the sentiment, and the use of capital letters. Glad you liked my special birthday post.

Most chuffed, I am. Cheers!

And thank you to you, too, Tuppence. :)

At Friday, August 19, 2005 11:04:00 am, Anonymous cbomb said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got you some exclamation marks.

At Friday, August 19, 2005 11:42:00 am, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...

just back from the birthday shop

here are some commas ,,,,,,,,,,,,
full stops ...............
and omigod this is really extravagant... some curly brackets{}. a pair just for bevis

now are you spoiled, or what?

At Friday, August 19, 2005 11:55:00 am, Blogger Channy said...

Happy Birthday Bevis! Tomorrow night will be a rocking party! I will make sure if your dad is there to pay out on his atrocious choice of cakes :-)

At Friday, August 19, 2005 12:05:00 pm, Blogger elaine said...

happy birthday BEVIS, There's cake for you over at mine.

At Friday, August 19, 2005 3:38:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Bevis!

I so thought you were older than 30.

Becca Becca Bo Becca
(ex-Xfire... you know, the old Chloe.)

At Friday, August 19, 2005 4:25:00 pm, Blogger Daniel Hegder said...

Well, how could I not let shameless self-promotion go unrewarded? Happy Birthday and everything. Let them eat cake (but only after you've had the biggest slice...unless it's the arsenic laced one).

At Friday, August 19, 2005 5:24:00 pm, Blogger Calia77 said...

Happy Birthday, and thanks for the laugh this morning!

At Friday, August 19, 2005 5:37:00 pm, Blogger la nadine said...



At Friday, August 19, 2005 5:57:00 pm, Anonymous Josie Barrett said...

Well done slapsy on 30 years young - you deserve to flick my bra strap!

At Friday, August 19, 2005 7:39:00 pm, Blogger Clokeeeey! said...

Happy 30th dude.
When you get to 40 (like me this year), you'll do what we quadrogenarians have done and claimed it to be the new 30's and celebrate this milestone again.

At Friday, August 19, 2005 7:42:00 pm, Blogger Cape Man said...

Happy birthday,
Did you see anything on my technology list you'd like? Bean bag free to good home. I know where to get one of those split screen Donkey Kong games.

At Friday, August 19, 2005 10:34:00 pm, Blogger Riss said...

Happy Birthday you young scallywag.

I was waiting for the one that we made you at Robinlee with LA and sancrawl!

(Would you like that one to add to your list?)

Lots of love and hugs and stuff,

P.S. Make sure that you have lots of lovely Birthday sleep and I'll see you tomorrow.

At Saturday, August 20, 2005 4:48:00 am, Anonymous Rachy said...

I was just going to say how amazing and profound your Russian family is for their digital camera ownership and usage in the mid-seventies :-)

At Saturday, August 20, 2005 7:26:00 pm, Blogger problematic said...

happy damn birthday bevis, welcome to the club. many happy things are to be bestowed upon you I hope

At Tuesday, August 23, 2005 3:38:00 pm, Anonymous her_radicalness said...

you're just bloody weird.

At Thursday, August 25, 2005 10:25:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Wow, thanks everyone!

Especially Josie Barrett for a tempting offer (which I'll sadly decline on this occasion, thanks) and Bec (whose insult was fair enough, if you've ever met me).

Many thanks to Cape Man for the generous offer (I presume mock-offer, but that makes it no less generous) of a birthday gift, but don't worry yourself. Your technology post was great stuff, and you've clearly done well if you're still holding on to some of those items!

CBomb and MelbourneGirl were also very generous to get me some brand new punctuation for my birthday (how did you know?), and Riss, I left that cake off the list on purpose! :)

Rachy, you're onto me - shh! Don't tell!

Thanks also to Daniel Hegder, Channy, Clokeeey (I'll be celebrating my 30th for another 40 years!), Cotton, Whichjo and the ever-verbose la nadine. Much appreciated.

And Her Radicalness? I can't argue with you on that one.


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