I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's The Cops - Look Busy!

Two nights ago, driving home at around 9pm, I noticed that the power was out all along the main road that leads to the back streets that lead to the street my house is on that leads to my driveway that leads to my house that leads to my bedroom that leads to me getting some action sleep.

Suddenly, I was faced with two police cars blocking the road, lights flashing and two cops directing traffic down a side street (in the opposite direction to where I eventually wanted to go).

May it please the court Your Honour, I must point out that I was in a perfectly good mood and wasn't grumpy or tired or hungry or anything. What transpires was not in any way exasperated by any poor behaviour on my behalf. (At least not at first.)

Let me set the scene a little for you: There were two cars in front of me and no one behind me. The first car pulled up to the cops, wound down his window, and spoke to them, pointing up the blocked-off road for a minute before the cops nodded and let him through. Clearly this meant that if you were a resident who lived up there, it was OK for you to drive your car through. As I was also a resident who lived 'up there and off to the left a bit', I figured I'd ask them the same thing and see if it they let me through as well. (You'll need to know that for some reason, they were standing on the opposite side of the car to the driver's side window.)

The car in front of me went off to the right as directed, so I pulled up to the cops - in exactly the same way the guy two in front had done! - and wound down my window. However, as one of the cops moved away to talk to traffic coming out of the road I was being directed down, the other approached my window and snapped - viciously angrily, by the way: "Now why wouldn't you get out of your car and come to me instead of making me come around to talk to you?!"

He was so angry, he was almost spitting at me in rage and fury. Seriously, the above sentence was said as harshly as I've ever heard anyone speak without actually yelling. This guy was ready to kill someone. Bear in mind here that my crime had so far consisted of me doing the same thing I saw the other car do; wind down my window (and I was perhaps also guilty of conspiracy to breathe).

I was stunned, and found myself saying, "Pardon?", which angered him further because he had to repeat himself. If anything, he managed to ask the question in an even-more-furious tone, slowing it down because he'd clearly encountered a real dunderhead in me.

"How about because stopping the car in the middle of the road and getting out to talk to you would have been possibly the most ridiculously stupid thing I could have done?! How about because you're the one on your feet and giving directions to drivers in their cars? Have you considered that it's because I just saw you give directions to the person two cars in front of me? Or how about because it's your job to protect and serve the community? Hey, I know - what about the fact that something has clearly gone down here and the lights are all out, and me leaving the security of my vehicle could be a dangerous decision to make? What if I was a bad guy, and approaching you would put your life at risk, as well as my own when you and your mate decided to shoot first and ask questions later? And who's to say that I'm even able to walk around to you? Just because I'm driving doesn't mean I have full motor control of my legs and am able to walk unassisted! What a silly assumption to make, that I would even be able to walk over to you, ya meathead!" Those are just some of the answers that sprung to mind, but I decided to stay quiet.

In the instant that he'd spoken to me, however, my mood had immediately darkened at being spoken to like this for no reason at all. I let his words hang there for a moment, allowing his incredible rudeness to drift in the breeze for a second, before saying, very sarcastically, "Riiiiiiiiight ..." Then I raised my eyebrows as if to say "Whatever, moron - as I was about to say before you so rudely interrupted me ..."

But he mistook my dramatic pause for stupidity (as stupid people often do), and spoke over the top of me as I started to ask if it would be OK for me to continue through the road block, as I lived up there a little. I actually got no further than, "I was just wondering ..." because at that point he snapped, equally viciously to before, and spat at me, "What is it you want?!" over the top. I gave the same raised-eyebrows expression (this time signifying to all those in the immediate vicinity with a brain larger than a pea - which meant only myself, unfortunately - that I couldn't believe this guy was still being so rude, despite the obvious incident a mere second ago where he came across as an absolute tool and was now only embarrassing himself), and continued, despite the apparent resistance to logic and reason emanating from my uniformed companion of the night.

I repeated, "I said I was just wondering if it was possible to go in this way, as I live not far up there."

"Well, where exactly do you live, mate?" His tone on the word 'mate' was not meant to signify mateship in any way. If it was, I'd hate to be the best man at his wedding. He'd probably beat me up by way of making a speech.

I told him the street I needed to turn down.

His disgust was even more evident that I had dared to answer his question (asked about specifically where I lived) by telling him specifically where I lived. Clearly he didn't want to know that! How dumb was I to think his question should be taken literally? He obviously meant for me to say something he could understand, like 'yellow' or 'puppy' or 'doughnut'. His face almost broke into a sneer for being subjected to such imbecilic behaviour.

"And where's that, mate?" I was starting to get worried that he and I were becoming too close as mates and would end up swapping phone numbers - this guy was seriously scary.

"Er, just past the row of shops," I told him, trying to be helpful to the nice man with the big gun and the volatile temper. His evil satisfaction at hearing these words was instantly apparent. His eyes said 'I told you so' and he pointed down the detour road to the right.

"No, well you've got to go down here, because this way is blocked off at Campbell Street, which is just before the row of shops." I wondered if he was making it up just to spite me. Probably. I don't remember ever seeing a Campbell Street before.

Despite being put off by the cop's disgusting rudeness and the way he was speaking to me, I was happy to accept that I couldn't go through the road block (that's all I wanted to know). However, being the stirrer that I am, and now being so off-side with this guy's approach and attitude, I decided to push the envelope a little. He deserved it.

Pointing down the street to my right, and acting like I suddenly didn't know the area very well, I asked him, "So where does this go?"

The beautiful thing was, a fire engine (no sirens blaring, but still with a very loud motor) was arriving at the intersection at that moment from the direction I was pointing, and he didn't catch my question due to the noise behind him. It pained him to have to do it, but he had to ask me to repeat the question. Just then a car approached from behind me.

I asked him again where the street went. (I mean, if he's telling me to go down the hill to the right, he needs to be able to tell me how to get back up around the hill again to the left, ahead.)

He didn't know, but he made a point of indicating that this was my fault. His answer was non-committal and extremely unhelpful. If I didn't actually know my way down that street, I would have been in trouble. There's a weird dog-legged section to the street that will take me in the wrong direction if I don't know where I'm going. Add to that the lack of street lights in the area, and he really could have been sending me off on a confusing rabbit warren of back streets and side alleys. Thankfully I was just acting unsure to stir him up for being so rude.

The other cop walked over at that point and snapped at 'my cop' * - equally angrily - "Get him outta here, he's holding back all the traffic!" No wonder my poor little coppy was being so rude - the other cop was talking to him in total anger as well! And 'all the traffic' I was holding back (just the one car, which had been waiting there for approximately 1.3 seconds - less time than I'd waited behind the two cars when I first arrived at the scene myself) needed to get moving in a hurry!

So, as 'my cop' snapped, "Move along, now, mate", I replied (overly-sweet and sarcastically-pleasant), "OK, thanks for your sparkly personality and oh-so-helpful attitude!" and took off with a screech of my tyres that said, "Eat this, impotent coppers! I'm taking off at high speed and there's nothing you can do about it because you're stuck back there, directing traffic in the dark!"

Power to the people, etc.

On my detour, I happened to pass a smashed car that had taken out a power pole (the cause of the power outage in the entire area, presumably), and three or four other police road-blocks (directing traffic that was coming the other way, but not stopping me from heading where I was going). I made it home safely and quickly, but not before passing a speeding ambulance with the lights flashing, and another fire engine heading in the opposite direction. Thankfully, the power was still on where I live, so I was able to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent and see the wonderfully clever policemen capture the nasty, stupid bad guys. Go coppers! They're my heroes. They keep me safe at night.

As a result of being spoken to in such a disgracefully inappropriate fashion, I was in a bad mood for about an hour. It wasn't until the next day that I heard the news:

Read this article, this article or this article.

But it wasn't my fault. The cops I encountered may have had a bad night, but the way they spoke to me (and presumably other drivers as well) was inexcusable. I hadn't even spoken yet when he initially bit my head off. Should I have apologised to them that someone had to go and get killed and spoil their night? **


I have plenty more bad police stories where this came from. This is just the most recent.

* I call him 'my cop' because by this point we were very close and I was feeling somewhat paternal to the cuddly fellow.

** I'm not saying the police have an easy job and it's not distressing when someone is killed and the killer may potentially be on the loose out there in a blackout. But showing more rudeness than I've ever encountered before for no legitimate reason is another matter entirely.


At Tuesday, September 20, 2005 2:52:00 pm, Anonymous Liz Walsh said...

Left-wing hippie

At Tuesday, September 20, 2005 2:59:00 pm, Blogger Channy said...

You should complain to the police. I think that would make your cop buddy even happier that someone from the public provided some feedback on his customer relation skills.

At Tuesday, September 20, 2005 3:16:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Channy: I thought about asking him for his badge number, but I knew that that'd hardly win me any points. He'd probably stop my car to do a roadworthy on it! :)

That said, I could easily say where it was and what date/time, so I guess they'd work it out. They were both rude anyway, so they could both wear it.

Liz: Jam ya.

At Tuesday, September 20, 2005 5:42:00 pm, Anonymous John b. said...

Now I have never had any unpleasant run ins with the cops, but if someone spoke to me like that, I would have pulled out my 9mm (Gun!) and threatened to "Shoot him in the foot!"

At Tuesday, September 20, 2005 8:00:00 pm, Blogger Riss said...

Yes, that was a bit rude of the policeman to talk to you like that. He sounds like he needs to attend a Customer Service skills course.

He may have been answering the same question/s all night but to you it's the first time the question is being asked so the tone was completely uncalled for.

If he had just said, "Good evening, we've had a serious incident in the neighbourhood and we're trying to maintain a crime scene as well as catch an offender who we believe to still be in the area, would you mind very much if you didn't pass this way, please?" then I'm sure you would have said something like, "certainly Officer, but as I live in such-and-such a street, am I able to get through this way, please?" and the policeman could have replied, "sorry mate, you'll have to use the detour, will you have any trouble finding your way?" and, not having been faced with any unpleasantness you could have deftly pointed your car toward the indicated alternative, waved him a kiss and merrily driven home wondering when someone was going to run out an attack you while the police were stuck at all these roadblocks answering the same question over and over instead of being able to run around in the dark with a torch to find the offender (or get back to base and tuck into a doughnut and a cuppa).

I think that people need this type of feedback and you should call the local police station so that their employee can be reminded to modify his behavour.

Would you want to call the police in an emergency and have someone like that turn up to assist you in a totally antagonistic way?

At Wednesday, September 21, 2005 8:38:00 am, Blogger Riss said...

Snowballs now, please.

At Wednesday, September 21, 2005 10:00:00 am, Blogger littlefaeriegirl said...

detective goran wants to have sex with me

and im gonna let him

At Wednesday, September 21, 2005 11:11:00 pm, Anonymous Sass said...

Have you seen the new recruitment ads for the Vic Police? And we wonder why only complete schmucks with personality defects are joining.
However, it would be cool to be able to break the law, talk to others as if they were dirt, and shoot folks that I don't like while shouting "He's got a bomb!"
*Leaves to check out recruitment website*


Post a Comment

<< Home