I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Happy Christmas Leftovers, Everyone!

Christmas is long gone, but the lovin' and the givin' is still goin' strong here at I Blogged Myself - with or without the Gs on the ends of words.

Truth be known, I got an embarrassing amount of presents this year, and many of them don't suit me at all (ie. they're junk), so I thought I'd pass them on to you, my faithful (and in some cases, not-so-faithful) readers.

Please don't be put off by the word 'junk'. One man's junk, after all, is frequently put in a box and given to that special lady (if the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring guest host Justin Timberlake is to be believed)* ... but it's also commonly known to be another man's treasure.

* WARNING: The clip on the link provided above contains adult themes and strong language. But at the same time, it's very funny.

I haven't got a gift for absolutely everyone, but I've put something aside for most of those who seem to frequent these pages semi-regularly. If you've been missed, please don't be offended. It merely means I don't like you very much and/or forgot about you because I barely even think of you and/or I really, REALLY hate you (which is the most likely situation).

The presents appear in a completely random order, and some people have received more than one gift (so you'd better read through the whole thing very carefully, just in case). Occasionally I received a few extra copies of a particular gift, so multiple people might be listed for the same image. Do not be alarmed. This is a good way to meet people, particularly if I've determined that you'll have to share the gift.

Anyone interested in obtaining their gift from me can send their credit card details to my email address, and expect to be robbed blind. Shipping charges do apply, and I charge exorbitant rates. (You won't believe the additional taxes I can make up! Give it a go! It's fun for all! ... And my family has to eat.)

Happy belated Christmas, everyone.


I'm not even sure what this pennant is from, but it was given to me by some sport-nut fan who was going on and on about spelling (well, they were talking about dotting an 'i', anyway), and seemed to be in a bit of a state of disarray. I don't know if you'll find a use for this, but feel free to take it off my hands. Thank you.

Colls Bolls:

Here’s a blue door for you, to help tide you over between the second and third seasons of Thank God You’re Here. It probably needs a lick of paint, sorry.

Javatari and Shane:

Here’s a blue door for you, too. You'll have to share.

TGYHWatcher and Lizzie/Buffy_Kitten:

Christmas blessings to you and everyone else over on the TGYH LiveJournal. Sorry about the graffiti.


I’m pretty funny, huh? Actually, I figured that you were 'nuttier' than you were 'soft and gooey', so this probably suits you better anyway.

Aussie Rock Chick:

Although currently the newest blog on my blogroll (I only discovered your blog on Friday), you have really struck a chord with me, so I decided to drag my ol' cousin Rufus out of his box in the attic and get him to dust off his banjo. It strikes me that since you're a rock chick drummer, you'd get a lot of value out of having Rufus here join your band and really liven things up at your concerts. No, no; don't thank me - I'm just glad to get Rufus out of the house. (And he's single, too - wink-wink ...)


Look carefully, and think laterally. Can you see what I've done, there? I'm clever.


Not much going on here in the way of 'hilarious', but at least you can't say I didn't think of you. One of my favourite Mr Men books of all time (it's equal 57th, along with all the others), this one holds a candle to rest and is sure to make you laugh. So that's a nod towards the 'giggle', and the candle thing is the reference to the 'wick'. (Ho-hum. At least I tried.)


Because I'm a rainbow, too. (But that doesn’t mean I want one.)


Clear, tranquil water-and-sky scene. It’s real; someone bought it for me but I already own an island in the area, so “it’s been done”. Would you like it? It’s quite sublime … (Clouds not included.)

Gianluca Di Milano:

Praise be to Cheeses! Here to you mates be a gift of epic contortions. You like the language, now learn to know the words! Exceptional lerning availabale to all who read it nightly. Just for you, my Italian Stallion freind, I throw in a widgidee grub for you to eat alive. You will loves it! Only the true Austrians eat the dirty grubs from the ground, and know you can eat one to. Is a funny behavor, no? Must be becase all the parents is on the welfare and no can afford to buy the foods from a shop for the too much glue sniffing. Oh well, more for you! Malfortunately they taste yuck bad and are mainly for the gays.


Find somewhere to put this, will ya? Thanks.


Food rarely lasts very long at this time of year (particular with all the hot weather we've been having in Melbourne!), but these are the last few cherries I found at the bottom of the fridge, so you're free to take them. Bear in mind, however, that they weren't inside the fridge; they were just on the floor in front of it, sort of caught underneath the door a bit.


Quite clearly, these are bad apples. They were good when I got them, but like most things, the more time they spent in my presence, the more they turned bad. No wonder other kids' mothers told them I was a bad influence. They were right! I'm a Rebel Without A Cure.


Another gift for you. I don’t have any carrots anyway, so the little guy’s probably pretty hungry by now. The hat comes as part of the package, and the trick base (allowing the rabbit to hide at the bottom of the hat without being seen by the audience; it has a trick switch underneath the hat brim) is a secret I’ll take to the grave, never discussing it with anyone or posting details about it here on this blog for everyone to read.


I can't vouch for the state of this DVD. It was given to me as a joke present (I think we can all understand why), and was then used as a frisbee for most of Boxing Day. The dog kept running away with it for long periods of time. But I'm sure it won't diminish the quality of the feature. (PS – We don’t have a dog.)


I don’t need this blog template, but I think you might have a use for it. :) I often have trouble viewing your LiveJournal page, so this seems like the perfect re-gift for you.

Ms Fits:

What do you get the blogger who has everything? (And every reader she could possibly want?) How about a bookshelf to house all those books she reads for First Tuesday Book Club? Yes, I thought so too. Assembly required.


You need to eat something, girl – you’re looking pasty and frail (I imagine). Hopefully you’ll find something in here that won’t offend your vegan status but still allow you to grow some hairs on your chest (or whatever the appropriate female equivalent to that would be; description unnecessary, thank you).

I’m Not Craig:

Now you can be.


Hopefully you’ll make good use of this sign, and perhaps it will help. (PS – ‘Period’, in this instance, is what Americans call a ‘full stop’. Just so you don’t get the wrong idea entirely …)


Here you go; cut sick. Lessons to follow, but here’s a spare semi-colon to get you started. Why not practice on your friends?


I’m not trying to suggest that you need any help in the semi-colon arena, but I thought this costume would be a good one to spring on John at the last minute before heading off to all those ‘Punctuation Parties’ you guys are constantly attending.


Speaks for itself, really, doesn’t it. Enjoy.


In order to help you on your rocky road to Raw Comedy 2007*, I’ve decided to pass on this book of crappy little kiddie jokes. They’re not very good, but it sounds like they may be an improvement on your existing material. (Note: The previous sentence is not actually my view; I’m sure your comedy rocks and you’re just doubting yourself. Still, better to be safe than sorry, eh?) The 'Compact Disc' contained within is an old Rodney Rude CD, badly scratched.

* Mmm, now I want some rocky-road …


This is neither a picture, nor a poster of Dean Geyer. This is Dean Geyer. My Dad won him as third prize in an RSL competition (he was hoping to win the car). I’m not sure what kind of contractual agreement forced Dean into agreeing with the terms of the competition (I think it was a misprint and should have read, “Win a date with Dean Geyer”, but the words in bold were missing), and I’m sick of him hanging around the house. I can’t get my car out of the driveway in the morning to go to work, because there’s a constant stream of thirteen-year-old girls camped out on my lawn and in the street. The neighbours are starting to complain (they complain even more when Dean starts singing to himself), so I figured you’d be one person willing to take him off my hands. And promptly, please!


I’m giving you this pair of mirrored female sunglasses (which someone perplexingly gave to me), because I thought it’d be a great way of helping you cover up this:

Magical_M’s Pink Eye.
(Definitely not one of the gifts on this list.)

John Surname:

I have absolutely no idea what this thing is, but it was given to me by my great-aunt (now not-so-great), and I loathe it. I thought maybe it could come in useful in a Romoin comic, however. Maybe provide some fodder for a short series of comics in which Romoin and Captain Wacky try to work out what this thing is and what it's supposed to do, before its use is startlingly-revealed (when you get sick of drawing it). Just a suggestion. (Hey, anything to kick-start Romoin’s dwindling career, ya hear me?)


Feel free to pass this one on to Princess if you like. Why my mother bought it for me, I don’t know.


Here are a few items to remind you of your recent trip abroad. They barely cost anything at all (in pounds sterling), meaning they cost an awful lot, actually (in Australian dollars). I hope you’re appreciative. (I hated them when my brother gave them to me, because they’re so gaudy and tacky … but, strangely, they made me think of you.)


Here's a little something to remind you of England - I'm told it's almost as if you were there.


During your time on Big Blogger, it quickly became apparent that you could do with a dictionary on Aussie slang. When it turned out that you’ve actually already read one, it quickly became apparent that you need a good one. This is a crap one. But hopefully that means you’re one step closer to finding yourself a really good one.


I can’t be sure, but I think this Wacky Helmet ™ is being modeled by Ron Barrassi. I’m pretty sure he isn’t in the box, but as it’s unopened, I can’t be sure. Do you want me to check for you? It’s a pretty small box. Maybe you could wear this Wacky Helmet ™ on your bike or at the Grand Prix. Phil Keoghan probably wouldn’t let you approach him if you did wear it, but you’ll be making me happy. Alternatively, wear it in the shops as a great excuse to cut in line! (No one says anything when a mentally-challenged person pushes in. Trust me on this.)

Tyson and Peter:

I’m not sure if you guys have a copy of this or not, but I don’t need three of them. So I’m letting you fine upstanding men have a copy each. It makes for good reading and includes photos of Scott & Charlene’s wedding. (Surprising, I know.) There’s also a list of all writing and editing staff members, and a photo of Senior Sergeant Allan Steiger pointing his fingers at a bad guy in the shape of an imaginary gun.*

* Not really, but wouldn’t it be funny if it did?!


I know you’ve left the bitter, twisted woman façade well alone now, but I thought it might be worthwhile for you to hold on to this regardless. Just in case you ever need it. Your first drug diary. Sort of.


Look what I found inside a neatly-wrapped gift this Christmas! A captial G! Since you always seem to be lacking in capital Gs when your name appears anywhere, I intuitively realised you must be capital-poor. Not one to wish to embarrass you, I knew this gift would come in handy. Please use it with my compliments.

Richard Watts:

I’m sorry the photo’s so crap, but it’s the only photo of the only gay in the village. (PS – You just let me know when the – admittedly harmlessly-intended – gay jokes have run their course. A private email threatening to hurt me if I don’t cut it out will suffice.)


When I received this gigantic bottle of champagne (and bearing in mind that I’m a teetotaler), my first thought was, “Steph’d be able to knock this back in thirty seconds!” So I wanted to make sure this little gem found its way to you. Remember, if you buy a crate of these you get 300 bonus FlyBuys points.


I figured if anyone could make use of this hair curling iron, it’d be you. :P


I got two of these for Christmas, and clearly I only need one. Let me know if you need any hair gel.


You’re into movies and cinema and reviewing films and stuff … so I knew that you’d have a greater need for this than I do. I actually got three of these this year (ho-hum), so you can have two of them.


This is the second one. It still has the full reel from Shrek The Third in it. You can keep that as well, if you like.

Her Radicalness:

I don't know where this magazine came from, but I found it lying around somewhere. You're welcome to it.


I trust you'll know what to do with this when you receive your mail from me later this week or early next (oooh, what a cryptic mystery!).

Gun Street Girl:

Here's some exciting fiction (or biography?) for you to sink your teeth into over the summer. Should be good reading (if a little bizarre towards the end). A bit like your blog. (Hey! I say it in love!) :)


Speaks for itself, really, but seeing as you've officiated at both Bloggolympics so far (the Rock, Paper, Scissors event is the big crowd-pleaser), and never once been able to take part, I thought I'd hand these over to you. Feel free to play with yourself.

(Yes, I know perfectly well what I just said. His girlfriend's in a different state, dude.)

And last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST ...


I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas. And I thought you might be, too.

One final present: And this one’s for everyone who so greatly enjoyed the final episode of Thank God You’re Here’s second season late last year: Merry Christmas.



At Monday, January 08, 2007 10:23:00 am, Blogger Javatari said...

Damn, they are crap presents. The semi-colon present still confused me though. Please explain the concept in small words.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 10:32:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Now, now - don't be ungrateful - as the only person to receive three presents, you're making out like a bandit!

(A bandit who's stolen nothing but crap.)

Anyway, as I said when addressing Mars in this post (as I was presenting her with her own special semi-colon gift), "Lessons to follow". Stay tuned for excitement PLUS, as I lead you through correct semi-colon usage in a future post.

Using small words.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 11:20:00 am, Anonymous Tyson said...

You must have a big family with all those gifts. Next year though, I'd recommend an Amazon wishlist setup.

Thanks for your kind gift. I think their choice to feature Izzy was a mistake. It should have been Paul Robinson in that spot. Actually, I would have preferred Steiger there and his lesbian wife, but we can't all be right all the time. Nevertheless, I'll be writing the editors and firmly suggesting I take over the supervision of the next edition, or at least let me include my two or three chapters about "Stop or I'll Point!" Steiger.

In reality (huh?), I haven't actually watched TV for ages. My parent's computer blew up, so I gave them the one I was using to record my TV on it, and being digital and recorder-less, the whole television thing is much less enticing.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 12:47:00 pm, Anonymous enny said...

Aww - why thankyou Bevis! Very thoughtful =o)

At Monday, January 08, 2007 5:03:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

Thanks dude!! They are the best presents I've received yet!

The paper was heaps useful to slow the bloodflow after playing with the rock and scissors.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 5:51:00 pm, Anonymous sbr said...

You know, those two small jpeg files of film projectors were better than my actual presents. Strange but true.

Thanks for the thought!

At Monday, January 08, 2007 8:19:00 pm, Blogger Mars said...

sweet, two presents.. thanks! (yet i'm STILL not on the blogroll- wtf?!)

so... you really think my semi-colon use needs help? i thought i was pretty okay at it...?

obviously not.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 10:29:00 pm, Blogger fluffy said...


At Monday, January 08, 2007 11:18:00 pm, Blogger gigglewick said...


Why thank you. I'm sure some one more ladylike than me would be able to do a curtsey as a gesture of thanks, but in my much hailed clumsiness* I offer you instead a watery smile (and thanks).

Mr Tickle was my sister's fave Mr Man, and I once made my hands an almost permanent shade of blue making a Mr Bump cake for one of my friends. I still don't know why I did that....

* As immortalised forever in my Gr. Two report. And kids today think they've got it tough.

At Monday, January 08, 2007 11:34:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Uh-oh ... I've been offendin' the la-dies tonight!

First, to Mars: I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how that happened! I thought I'd blogrolled ALL my Big Blogger Housemates! (One of whom I've since removed intentionally, but it wasn't you.) I can't apologise enough for this oversight. I have you all bookmarked so I don't always use the list on my actual blog; hence me not noticing the omission. Second, the semi-colon gift was because I thought you were asking for 'lessons' on correct usage, after you left the following comment on my previous post:

"Mars said...
i need semi-colon usage attention please.
Thursday, January 04, 2007 12:03:30"

However, I noticed earlier that you were referring to a remark you left on your OWN blog at the time (which I've only just seen).

Next, dear lady Fluffy. (IF you ever return to these hallowed halls and read this, that is.) I am truly ashamed. I guess it was bound to happen - in trying to include a gift for everyone (who matters) on my blogroll, I was surely going to miss someone. The thing is (and I don't expect you to believe me), I had the image all ready to go, in the folder with everyone else's, but it's the one - the ONLY one; I've now double-checked - that I skipped by accident. Sorry about that. I'll add it now as a post script (which might seem heartless but is meant to be in-no-way less generous).

I hope you'll both see it in your hearts to forgive me. After all, it's Christmas!

Sort of.

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 10:32:00 am, Blogger littlefaeriegirl said...

oh bevis, i dont think anyone has ever put more thought into a gift for me.
dont worry about those 13 year old girls. dean wont be leaving my bed, so they'll soon start to believe he isnt here when they dont see him. and really, would dean geyer be living in a poor southern suburb of adelaide? no. he's living in the bed of a girl who lives in a poor southern suburb of adelaide.

thankyou bevis, merry christmas to you and your wonderful, beautiful family

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 10:51:00 am, Blogger elaine said...

oh, I got the original not the one from the latest re-staging of Pirates of Penzance. Phew.

Thanks. I'll "take" Johnny Depp ANY day.

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 10:53:00 am, Blogger meva said...

I love me those bills, Bevis. Those bills with those moons. They're fangdangabulous!

Thank you, you clever boy!

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 12:52:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

Ahhh, I finally get Meva's present.

That was way too clever! (Read: the just right amount of clever).

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 12:54:00 pm, Blogger Magical_M said...

For one brief moment, whilst scrolling down towards that picture, I thought you were giving me David Lee Roth.

Truly. I did.

The scary thing is, I would have found him quite amusing and interesting... for the first 10 minutes. Especially given his quote in today's SMH where he said that any Van Halen reunion is likely to end in a "Jerry Springer-style fight".

I'd pay money to see that.

But the sunglasses are very much appreciated. Especially now that the pink eye has decided to shift to the left eye.

I'm thinking that new eyes will be on my list for Santa this year.

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 1:27:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Tyson, it’s not that I have a big family – it’s just that I have many adoring fans. What, you don’t get hundreds of gifts in the mail from your readers each year? It must just be you, then. The Wish List idea is probably a good one, to avoid getting kinds of rubbish like this year, which I have to then re-gift to you lot. But as far as doing without TV for so long is concerned, I couldn’t do it. I’d give my parents a Dick Smith catalogue for Christmas or something before I’d loan them my computer/TV … but then again, as this post proves, I’m really good with my gift-giving skills.

Enny, I’m glad you liked it (or at least pretended to like it, which is even better, as far as I’m concerned).

Adam, it’s great to know that you found a use for each of the three items included in your gift. Although to be perfectly frank, that ‘rock’ looked more like a grey puddle to me …

SBR, that’s really quite a depressing thought! I hope next Christmas is more rewarding for you (in a purely materialistic sense, of course).

Mars, if two presents is too much for you, you could always share with Dot. I haven’t really had much to do with Dot, but on your blog last year I voted for the pair of you to have a catfight … how’d that work out for you? Again, I don’t know how I hadn’t realised you were missing from my blogroll. It certainly wasn’t intentional.

Fluffy, a thousand apologies.

Gigglewick, your Grade Two teacher wrote on your report that you were (are) clumsy? Who writes that? Surely your parents either would have known that already or (if there were personal safety issues concerned) would’ve needed to be called in for a serious chat with the school board about the matter?! I think your teacher was just boring and dull and couldn’t think of anything to write, so he/she just thought back to the last time they noticed you in the classroom, and it just happened to be the previous week (yes, they hadn’t noticed you for over a WEEK!), when you accidentally knocked Gary Finlayson’s pencil case onto the floor. BUT HE’D LEFT IT STICKING OUT OVER THE EDGE OF HIS DESK INTO THE AISLE, AND YOU HAD YOUR HANDS FULL OF GLITTER STARS AND GLUE STICKS – WHICH YOU WERE HANDING OUT TO THE REST OF THE CLASS FOR ‘ARTS & CRAFT’ AS A FAVOUR TO THE STUPID, THOUGHTLESS TEACHER! It’s just not fair, I tell you. That being said, it’s never too late to work on a good curtsey. I did, and it looks wonderful. (Glitter stars and everything.) Please – no matter what the occasion – never make me a Mr Men cake. Thank you.

BEVIS, nice grovelling. That oughta shut 'em up!

LittleFaerieGirl, I’m glad you like the gift, although I’m a little uneasy with the thought that I’ve possibly just contributed to a kidnapping. I never meant for you to keep the lad in your bedroom against his will – considering his fairly well-known views on the topic – and at the risk of you replying with something vulgar and/or disrespectful to those dearly-held views of his, maybe he’ll be hesitant to comply. That’s all I’m saying. But thank you for your Christmas wishes. *Psst! The cops are surrounding your house! Give us peacefully!*

Elaine, as the song goes (although I’ve changed it a fair bit, here) … “I know what [GIRLS] like. I know what [CHICKS] want. I know what [GIRLS] like. [GIRLS] like. [GIRLS] like [JOHNNY DEPP].” Close enough.

Meva, you worked it out. You must have the brainpower of, like, a GENIUS. Or I’m a moron; one or the other. Take your pick. And gifts I’ve given have been called many things in my time, but this is the first instance I’ve received a compliment (?) like ‘fangdangabulous’.

Adam, thank you for clearing up the above question. I’m not a moron. YOU are. (But I love you – in a mates’ way * – and thanks for the nomination!)

* But not in a ‘gay mates’ way.

Magical_M, you sound disappointed that I wasn’t giving you David Lee Roth. I’ll add it to my list for next year. (And have you considered seeing a DOCTOR about that Pink Eye thing?!)

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 3:33:00 pm, Blogger John Surname said...

haha, thanks Bevis. You went nuts on this post. Romoin says thank you for the present, even though he's probably going to sell it for paint (his new favourite tipple). thanks for the nomination too, BTW.

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 4:59:00 pm, Blogger Magical_M said...

Oooh, no - I'd rather have a different David next Christmas... Tennant would be perfect.

And yes, I'm seeing a doctor. Several in fact. They just can't seem to find a treatment that WORKS.

At Tuesday, January 09, 2007 8:40:00 pm, Blogger Mars said...

two christmas present and three red stars.. i am doing well this year!

At Wednesday, January 10, 2007 11:26:00 am, Blogger Kris said...

Gee thanks! I always wanted a flag of the state of disarray.

But if Lulu gets McDreamy...can I have McSteamy?

At Wednesday, January 10, 2007 5:45:00 pm, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...

i'm not saying i'm disappointed, i know i should be grateful.

but really?

[looks to the left; elaine and johnny are "esconced" happily]

[looks down to right and sees semi colon outfit hanging limply on coathanger]

it's all ok bevis. i'm happy with my pressie. really.


ps did i miss something re where the fluffy one is? she's not somewhere cold is she? which makes my comment on her blog a couple of minutes ago really dumb.

i know, i know. back to work.


At Thursday, January 11, 2007 11:19:00 am, Blogger sublime-ation said...

wow, thanks, that looks like the perfect place to chill. And I do like having my head in the clouds sometimes...I loved the semi-colon dude.

At Thursday, January 11, 2007 3:17:00 pm, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...

yes sublime, but i would have loved george clooney in a semi colon outfit just a teensy bit more.


and not doing much work either. bum.

At Thursday, January 11, 2007 11:22:00 pm, Blogger Lulu said...

I have to say I think I got the best present. Yummy!!!

Thanks Bevis!

At Friday, January 12, 2007 7:31:00 am, Blogger I'm not Craig said...

Wow, no one has ever given me Craig David before. Thanks.

And thanks also for the Blog Awards nomination.I don't expect to win but it's nice to be in it.

At Friday, January 12, 2007 6:54:00 pm, Blogger Steph said...

Sweet! Thanks so much. I got you something too, it's in the mail.
Blame Australia post if you haven't got it yet ;)

At Friday, January 12, 2007 11:33:00 pm, Blogger Ang said...

aaaawww, you shouldn't have!!

It's just what I wanted!!!

I think that my gift for you is somewhere with Steph's!

At Sunday, January 14, 2007 9:42:00 pm, Blogger Riss said...

Um, thanks for the present. It was a lovely thought but could I swap it for some hot wax rollers? I do have a curling iron and so do my sisters and cousins (so I can't pass it on to them), although EG tends to be best friends with a ceramic straightener these days.

If you're passing out the hair gel, it would be very gratefully received. Frizz control is way up on my list of priorities as I am sure you are aware.

Love to all,


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