Twenty More Things - Tagged Again!

Thanks this time to Locket, I have another Twenty Things you probably didn't know about me (although if you did, you're probably already a friend of mine, so that's cheating).

I have continued the numbering system from my previous Twenty Things post, so I trust that explains why the numbering starts at 21. No, you're not having a 'trip'.



21. I have not drunk any alcohol since 6am on Sunday, 4th April, 1993 (when I sobered up from the night before and swore off alcohol). The only exception is when I literally sip champagne at a toast at weddings, etc - but then the rest of the glass is given away. Yes, there's a story behind that. No, I'm not going into it here. Maybe some other time.

22. For the purposes of stage roles I have undertaken, it has been necessary for me to learn the following dances: the waltz, the Charleston and tap dancing. I'm not saying I'm the world's best dancer at any of them, but I could certainly adequately perform each of those dances if it would save a life in a hostage-style situation. Plus, it's cool at parties to burst into them.

23. I have many aliases. My most commonly-known one (to my friends, at least ... and also kinda to the law) is Donald Ratzenburger. He started out as a talking horse (Mr Ed-style), but quickly became an often-present but never-quite-spotted human man, born on 1st April 1975. He signs birthday cards, farewell cards, engagement and wedding cards, etc, although he never puts money into the group present and he's never able to make it to the special events in question. He usually sends telegrams, though. He was created towards the end of 1993 and has been an ever-present invisible companion to me ever since. My life-long goal is to successfully make him into a 'real' person, at least as far as being able to prove that he actually exists is concerned. For that to happen he needs the following six things in his name: A birth certificate, a passport, a credit card, a driver's licence, a bank account, and an email address. Some of these are reasonably easier than others (I've already obtained two of them), and I intend to name my firstborn 'Donald Ratzenburger' so I can get the birth certificate. (I'll change the kid's name later; he or she won't mind, I'm sure!) Wifey is adament that we won't be naming our child Donald Ratzenburger, but either I'll be able to talk her 'round by then, or she'll be too 'out of it' at the time to notice what I tell the people from the Department of Births, Deaths & Marriages.

24. Bad spelling and pronunciation and grammar and punctuation drive me insane.

25. It's just possible that I'm a scary person to have driving the car if I'm stuck behind a ridiculously slow, thoughtless, careless, inconsiderate, selfish or stupid driver - or those who really aren't aware of other vehicles on the road around them.

26. It appears to me that only one out of every ten people can actually say the word 'brought' correctly. LISTEN TO ME, PEOPLE: 'brought' = past tense of bring. 'bought' = past tense of buy. So this sentence is WRONG if you're talking about what you've arrived at work holding in your silly little hand: "Look what I bought in with me today." Bzzt! I'm sorry, thanks for playing Children's Simplest Of Simple Words - you lose. You didn't buy it in with you, at all. You BROUGHT it in with you! 'Brought' with an R! They mean two very different things, you idiotic, stupid, ignorant, useless, embarrassing simpleton! *breathes* Sorry, I guess I should just refer you to point 24 above.

27. I am extremely gifted (and not in a 'special-ed' kind of way). I can do the following things freakishly well:

- Push the envelope right to breaking point (I'm a big fan of inappropriate humour to lighten the mood and break a serious patch of conversation - but it's also my defense mechanism, sheild, shock tactic and compulsion);
- Wrap presents;
- Pack suitcases, boxes, car boots (or 'trunks' for our American readers);
- Find a perfect car park right outside the front door of our destination;
- Navigate my way through never-before-seen territory to get to where I want to be (I am never 'lost' - and not in a 'typical male won't admit it' kind of way - I'm talking seriously);
- Remember whole chunks of dialogue from TV shows or movies (strangely, I have trouble recalling even the subject matter of most conversations Wifey has with me over dinner);
- Find items other people have lost by standing in a room, slowly turning on the spot, and then saying, "Look in there / under that / behind there, etc". I have a 95% success rate (yes, I've taken actual statistical data! I'll send you a copy of the report);
- Solve mysteries, particularly those on TVs and in 'big twist' movies;
- Create my own analogies, each one perfect for the situation at hand;
- Remember people's faces and names;
- Organise surprises for those I love;
- Proof-read someone else's work;
- Tell you way more than you needed or wanted to know about things like The Muppets (well durr!) and plenty of other pop culture subjects (largely TV- or film-related).

28. I know the full soundtrack to The Blues Brothers perfectly, including those fast spoken bits Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) does in two different parts of "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love" and Cab Calloway's scat ad libs in "Minnie The Moocher".

29. I much prefer to do the washing up than the drying.

30. I have kissed a total of 6 girls in my life (one of which was a stage kiss only). I am neither proud nor ashamed of this number; it just is. I have kissed no boys. Neither of these figures are going to change now that Wifey (my lucky number six) has me locked away in a tower of our castle, chained to the wall and unable to move. (And because I'm happy with Wifey.)

31. My favourite number is six (although not for the above reason!).

32. My favourite colour is blue (for the above reason).

33. I make the best pancakes known to man (the secret ingredient is the key**), but I am too lazy to ever make them. The mix has to sit overnight in the fridge, so I usually can't be bothered to prepare it properly, or people demand that I prove this claim immediately, not giving me 24 hours notice. Can't be done.

** Not literally. Don't put keys in your pancake mix. They'll make the pancakes taste funny and be difficult to flip - not to mention the nasty surprise for your guests who break their teeth on the hidden keys!

34. Because of my pedant nature, I am often mistaken for being rude or disinterested, when nothing could be further from the truth.

35. I once spent a year writing a full-on screenplay as a parody of Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope), with every intention of filming it and trying to find a distributor so I could release it commercially. The next year, Spaceballs was released and stole my thunder completely. Although I found (and still find) the movie highly amusing, I was secretly gutted. I felt that Mel Brooks had stolen my idea entirely. It was my first taste of professional rejection. I was 12 years old.

36. I can quote the entire film (all dialogue, music and sound effects) at speed, to Back to the Future (my favourite movie ever), and do a reasonable attempt at the dialogue for the two sequels as well (but would need to pause the films to catch up if I was trying to quote them at speed - I admit to not being quite as proficient at the two sequels as I am at the original). This is a time-consuming and highly exhausting party trick, so naturally I don't get to display this talent very often.

37. Phrases that have become like 'catch-cries' of mine include: "Not a problem", "Nicely Nicely, Johnson", and thousands of other movie quotes that fit the occasion. I have a near-audiographic memory (which, as you can probably work out, is the same as photographic memory, only it's not what I see that I remember correctly, but what I hear). This means I recall exactly how things are said to me in real life, and on TV and in movies. People who misquote things really irritate me, because they're often so far off the mark they've changed the whole meaning of the quote. (Refer to points 27, 28, 34 and 36 above.)

38. My favourite ever play is Noises Off! and my favourite ever musical is a three-way tie between Chicago, City of Angels and The Producers. If you haven't seen any of these, go out immediately and hire the film versions of each, at least. The film version of Noises Off! is surprisingly good (for a British comedy they 'Americanised' for the movie), and stars Christopher Reeve, John Ritter, Denholm Elliott (who have all sadly passed away - it was Elliot's last gig and Reeve's third-last before his accident), Michael Caine, Carol Burnett, Nicolette Sheridan, Mark Lynn-Baker, Julie Hagerty and Marilu Henner. City of Angels is the only one you won't find on film. The musical is a very clever 1940s detective story; it's not to be confused with the Nicholas Cage / Meg Ryan angel-themed love crap of the same name.

39. I don't gamble, and as such, I am here at work today because I don't care one iota about the Melbourne Cup and would rather have the time off over Christmas. (For any out-of-towners who don't know, the first Tuesday in November is a public holiday in Victoria to 'celebrate' the Melbourne Cup - but I say: "Whatever".) If you read the write-up on that link I just gave you, you'll see that Mark Twain was a fan of the Melbourne Cup. Well, I guess this is where he and I disagree, because he's a stupid stupid-head.

40. I have never smoked a cigarette, a cigar or done any drugs. Nerd, you say? Clean, I reply. The closest I have come is holding someone's lit cigarette for them, and pretending I was going to take a puff. That, and using stage cigarettes and cigars when I've been in roles where smoking was part of the character. But they weren't real cigarettes or cigars.



Now for who to tag ... I choose Adam and Sarah because they're funny, Her Radicalness and Channy because they're friends (and funny), Kranki-Pants because he needs some cheering up (and he's also funny), Fluffy because she emailed me (and she's funny too)*, and myself because I have another Twenty Things I want to tell you and I couldn't fit on the above list (and because I'm hilarious!).


* And yes, I know Fluffy just completed a 'Twenty Things' post, but it was short and pithy, and I'm lookin' for lengthy and boring. Wait, no. Something other than short, anyway. I like knowing more about her. That's why.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the Cup on TV.


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