I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Twenty More Things - Tagged Again!

Thanks this time to Locket, I have another Twenty Things you probably didn't know about me (although if you did, you're probably already a friend of mine, so that's cheating).

I have continued the numbering system from my previous Twenty Things post, so I trust that explains why the numbering starts at 21. No, you're not having a 'trip'.

21. I have not drunk any alcohol since 6am on Sunday, 4th April, 1993 (when I sobered up from the night before and swore off alcohol). The only exception is when I literally sip champagne at a toast at weddings, etc - but then the rest of the glass is given away. Yes, there's a story behind that. No, I'm not going into it here. Maybe some other time.

22. For the purposes of stage roles I have undertaken, it has been necessary for me to learn the following dances: the waltz, the Charleston and tap dancing. I'm not saying I'm the world's best dancer at any of them, but I could certainly adequately perform each of those dances if it would save a life in a hostage-style situation. Plus, it's cool at parties to burst into them.

23. I have many aliases. My most commonly-known one (to my friends, at least ... and also kinda to the law) is Donald Ratzenburger. He started out as a talking horse (Mr Ed-style), but quickly became an often-present but never-quite-spotted human man, born on 1st April 1975. He signs birthday cards, farewell cards, engagement and wedding cards, etc, although he never puts money into the group present and he's never able to make it to the special events in question. He usually sends telegrams, though. He was created towards the end of 1993 and has been an ever-present invisible companion to me ever since. My life-long goal is to successfully make him into a 'real' person, at least as far as being able to prove that he actually exists is concerned. For that to happen he needs the following six things in his name: A birth certificate, a passport, a credit card, a driver's licence, a bank account, and an email address. Some of these are reasonably easier than others (I've already obtained two of them), and I intend to name my firstborn 'Donald Ratzenburger' so I can get the birth certificate. (I'll change the kid's name later; he or she won't mind, I'm sure!) Wifey is adament that we won't be naming our child Donald Ratzenburger, but either I'll be able to talk her 'round by then, or she'll be too 'out of it' at the time to notice what I tell the people from the Department of Births, Deaths & Marriages.

24. Bad spelling and pronunciation and grammar and punctuation drive me insane.

25. It's just possible that I'm a scary person to have driving the car if I'm stuck behind a ridiculously slow, thoughtless, careless, inconsiderate, selfish or stupid driver - or those who really aren't aware of other vehicles on the road around them.

26. It appears to me that only one out of every ten people can actually say the word 'brought' correctly. LISTEN TO ME, PEOPLE: 'brought' = past tense of bring. 'bought' = past tense of buy. So this sentence is WRONG if you're talking about what you've arrived at work holding in your silly little hand: "Look what I bought in with me today." Bzzt! I'm sorry, thanks for playing Children's Simplest Of Simple Words - you lose. You didn't buy it in with you, at all. You BROUGHT it in with you! 'Brought' with an R! They mean two very different things, you idiotic, stupid, ignorant, useless, embarrassing simpleton! *breathes* Sorry, I guess I should just refer you to point 24 above.

27. I am extremely gifted (and not in a 'special-ed' kind of way). I can do the following things freakishly well:

- Push the envelope right to breaking point (I'm a big fan of inappropriate humour to lighten the mood and break a serious patch of conversation - but it's also my defense mechanism, sheild, shock tactic and compulsion);
- Wrap presents;
- Pack suitcases, boxes, car boots (or 'trunks' for our American readers);
- Find a perfect car park right outside the front door of our destination;
- Navigate my way through never-before-seen territory to get to where I want to be (I am never 'lost' - and not in a 'typical male won't admit it' kind of way - I'm talking seriously);
- Remember whole chunks of dialogue from TV shows or movies (strangely, I have trouble recalling even the subject matter of most conversations Wifey has with me over dinner);
- Find items other people have lost by standing in a room, slowly turning on the spot, and then saying, "Look in there / under that / behind there, etc". I have a 95% success rate (yes, I've taken actual statistical data! I'll send you a copy of the report);
- Solve mysteries, particularly those on TVs and in 'big twist' movies;
- Create my own analogies, each one perfect for the situation at hand;
- Remember people's faces and names;
- Organise surprises for those I love;
- Proof-read someone else's work;
- Tell you way more than you needed or wanted to know about things like The Muppets (well durr!) and plenty of other pop culture subjects (largely TV- or film-related).

28. I know the full soundtrack to The Blues Brothers perfectly, including those fast spoken bits Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) does in two different parts of "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love" and Cab Calloway's scat ad libs in "Minnie The Moocher".

29. I much prefer to do the washing up than the drying.

30. I have kissed a total of 6 girls in my life (one of which was a stage kiss only). I am neither proud nor ashamed of this number; it just is. I have kissed no boys. Neither of these figures are going to change now that Wifey (my lucky number six) has me locked away in a tower of our castle, chained to the wall and unable to move. (And because I'm happy with Wifey.)

31. My favourite number is six (although not for the above reason!).

32. My favourite colour is blue (for the above reason).

33. I make the best pancakes known to man (the secret ingredient is the key**), but I am too lazy to ever make them. The mix has to sit overnight in the fridge, so I usually can't be bothered to prepare it properly, or people demand that I prove this claim immediately, not giving me 24 hours notice. Can't be done.

** Not literally. Don't put keys in your pancake mix. They'll make the pancakes taste funny and be difficult to flip - not to mention the nasty surprise for your guests who break their teeth on the hidden keys!

34. Because of my pedant nature, I am often mistaken for being rude or disinterested, when nothing could be further from the truth.

35. I once spent a year writing a full-on screenplay as a parody of Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope), with every intention of filming it and trying to find a distributor so I could release it commercially. The next year, Spaceballs was released and stole my thunder completely. Although I found (and still find) the movie highly amusing, I was secretly gutted. I felt that Mel Brooks had stolen my idea entirely. It was my first taste of professional rejection. I was 12 years old.

36. I can quote the entire film (all dialogue, music and sound effects) at speed, to Back to the Future (my favourite movie ever), and do a reasonable attempt at the dialogue for the two sequels as well (but would need to pause the films to catch up if I was trying to quote them at speed - I admit to not being quite as proficient at the two sequels as I am at the original). This is a time-consuming and highly exhausting party trick, so naturally I don't get to display this talent very often.

37. Phrases that have become like 'catch-cries' of mine include: "Not a problem", "Nicely Nicely, Johnson", and thousands of other movie quotes that fit the occasion. I have a near-audiographic memory (which, as you can probably work out, is the same as photographic memory, only it's not what I see that I remember correctly, but what I hear). This means I recall exactly how things are said to me in real life, and on TV and in movies. People who misquote things really irritate me, because they're often so far off the mark they've changed the whole meaning of the quote. (Refer to points 27, 28, 34 and 36 above.)

38. My favourite ever play is Noises Off! and my favourite ever musical is a three-way tie between Chicago, City of Angels and The Producers. If you haven't seen any of these, go out immediately and hire the film versions of each, at least. The film version of Noises Off! is surprisingly good (for a British comedy they 'Americanised' for the movie), and stars Christopher Reeve, John Ritter, Denholm Elliott (who have all sadly passed away - it was Elliot's last gig and Reeve's third-last before his accident), Michael Caine, Carol Burnett, Nicolette Sheridan, Mark Lynn-Baker, Julie Hagerty and Marilu Henner. City of Angels is the only one you won't find on film. The musical is a very clever 1940s detective story; it's not to be confused with the Nicholas Cage / Meg Ryan angel-themed love crap of the same name.

39. I don't gamble, and as such, I am here at work today because I don't care one iota about the Melbourne Cup and would rather have the time off over Christmas. (For any out-of-towners who don't know, the first Tuesday in November is a public holiday in Victoria to 'celebrate' the Melbourne Cup - but I say: "Whatever".) If you read the write-up on that link I just gave you, you'll see that Mark Twain was a fan of the Melbourne Cup. Well, I guess this is where he and I disagree, because he's a stupid stupid-head.

40. I have never smoked a cigarette, a cigar or done any drugs. Nerd, you say? Clean, I reply. The closest I have come is holding someone's lit cigarette for them, and pretending I was going to take a puff. That, and using stage cigarettes and cigars when I've been in roles where smoking was part of the character. But they weren't real cigarettes or cigars.

Now for who to tag ... I choose Adam and Sarah because they're funny, Her Radicalness and Channy because they're friends (and funny), Kranki-Pants because he needs some cheering up (and he's also funny), Fluffy because she emailed me (and she's funny too)*, and myself because I have another Twenty Things I want to tell you and I couldn't fit on the above list (and because I'm hilarious!).

* And yes, I know Fluffy just completed a 'Twenty Things' post, but it was short and pithy, and I'm lookin' for lengthy and boring. Wait, no. Something other than short, anyway. I like knowing more about her. That's why.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the Cup on TV.



At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 2:53:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...


You've been tagged.

(Love my work, by the way. I'm my biggest fan.)


At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 3:03:00 pm, Blogger Tuppence said...

#26 - there is only one thing worse than people who do not understand the bought/brought dichotomy, and that is people who use the word 'brung'.


At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 4:11:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

I'm at work today too, mainly because I'm far too indespensible doing nothing to be allowed to take a day off. I had to brung my own lunch today though because not to many stores are open.

I had a flutter by going to the betting lady and giving her money but by not having a clue she gave me a heap of trifectas. What the hell? How can you win with a trifecta? Adam is a stupid stupid-head. I brung my family shame.

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 4:52:00 pm, Blogger fluffy said...

I bet spaccingand tense mistakes pissed you off to.

Don't mind me. I'm drunk on love for the Melbourne Cup and drugs.

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 5:51:00 pm, Anonymous John B. said...

Bevis, I think you like the play/movie 'Noises off' cause it has a woman running around in her underwear for most of it! Or maybe that's just me (who likes it... not running around in my underwear).

I'm glad I didn't take up blogging, as I don't have time to make long lists about various things. Just time to read them. ;-)

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:01:00 pm, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

#24 - The misuse of apostrophes drives me insane!

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 10:19:00 pm, Blogger Magical_M said...

Number 26 is one of my pet peeves too.

And I also have the bizarre ability to remember whole chunks of dialogue from TV shows or movies.

You're not related to me by any chance are you?

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 10:59:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Muuu-uuum, stop it! You're embarrassing me ...

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:25:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Tuppence, that's a good one, yes. But I find that more people notice a word that doesn't exist (like 'brung') than they seem to be aware of the difference between 'bought' and 'brought'.

Adam, great call! :) I hope you had 1-16-8 for your trifecta (although you may recall me saying I don't gamble) - but at least that would have made your trifecta worthwhile!

Fluffy, hehe, yes they do (does? are? do be?). Sounds like you had a fun time today - but why were you blogging through the afternoon / evening / night??

John B, sounds like you know the film! Yes, the woman running around in her underwear for most of it is actually Edie Britt (the bitch character from Desperate Housewives), back before she looked like she'd melt if she stood too close to a naked flame. But that's not why I like the play / film. When performed well, there's nothing funnier. There's so much going on; it's an exceptional comedy. (And I took lots of work time to compile today's list - over a period of days - but I'll deny that in a court of law if my employers ever read this.)*

* Her Radicalness, pretend you didn't read that.

ChickyBabe, yep - that's a definite aggrevator! The misuse of "its / it's" in particular.

Magical_M, jokes aside, I have just gone and carefully checked your blog and bio for any clue that we might be related, and I think that maybe you're a cousin. The kind we're always trying to disown. (But rest assured that would make me the same kind of cousin to you!)


At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:41:00 pm, Blogger Clokeeeey! said...

Hey robin, good 21 to 40.
#28 - how many times does the cop complain about breaking his watch?
#40 - me too, there's a guy at work who want to try pot but only if it's not addictive and if he was on his death bed, would you?

Looking forward to 41 to 60.

At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:42:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Hyphens are another oft-misused (and by that I mean usually missing altogether) form of punctuation.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 8:50:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Hey Clokeeeey, thanks for the kudos. :)

I said I knew the soundtrack for The Blues Brothers and could quote the script for Back to the Future; so I never claimed to know every single piece of dialogue of that classic 1980 car-chase comedy. However, I do still know it very well, and my memory told me it was three times.

But I've looked it up just to be sure, and this is what I found online (if it can be trusted):

"They broke my watch!" Listen closely; each time after a number of police cars crash into a pile, someone says 'They broke my watch'. This occurs first with the single upside down car in the mall, the pile up under the el, and the pile up on the expressway embankment.

So maybe my memory of 'three' is correct; or maybe more examples were left out of the above quote.

Plus, I know that in the absolutely terrible sequel in 2000, the same line is said at least once, in Russian, by the Russian mob guys who are chasing them.

As for the drugs thing, I've never had a compulsion or desire to try it. I guess I've always seen what it does to people and how so much about them changes. I've never had the slightest inclination to go there. So I'd have to say no, I wouldn't be interested; even on my death bed. I think I'd have more important things I wanted to do if it came to such a situation anyway.

Like post a farewell blog message.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 9:52:00 am, Blogger elaine said...

Like post a farewell blog message.
I'm glad to see you have your priorities straight.

I too am a finder of things but it needs to be spontaneous. E.g. someone says 'I can't find my [insert object]' and I will just tell them where it is.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 10:20:00 am, Blogger BEVIS said...

Ooh! Ooh! And I've just read on a Blues Brothers trivia website (see what you've started now?) that when Jake gets his watch back from the prison officer at the start of the film, it's broken.

Elaine, thanks. Priorities are always important. How else would you all learn of my unfortunate demise, if I wasn't able to come on here and tell you all about it myself?

(And can you please tell me where my seven million dollars that an unknown, fictional, recently deceased relative left me is?)

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 10:27:00 am, Blogger littlefaeriegirl said...

i can quote labyrinth and the breakfast club.

bevis, i really think you should start up a neighbours recap blog. that way, i still wouldnt watch the show, but i could sit here, jaw dropped in awe, and know everything that was going on

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 11:10:00 am, Blogger sublime-ation said...

I'm obsessed with the misuse of the word 'myriad'.
(It means 'thousands of', not 'thousands', so writing 'myriad of' is like saying 'thousands of of')
Drives me INSANE!

also Bevis can you come over and find stuff for me?

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 12:03:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Little Faerie, it's good to hear from you! I just read your blog for the first time in about two weeks (sorry!), and I see you've got a flamer. That's awful. Hopefully you can sort her out quick-smart.

As for the Neighbours blog, I actually considered it a while back, but I don't know that I'd be able to maintain it - plus, on the list of shows I'm into (remember: a massive TV-specific post will be coming in a week or so), Neighbours rates at about 200. Seriously. I'll work it out and list the shows for you in that post to see how close to 200 my estimate is. But either way, my point is this: I know ridiculous amounts about it, but it's barely even on my radar. Imagine how much I know about my favourite shows!

Sublime-ation, I agree wholeheartedly. It also doesn't make sense to add the word 'a' to the front, as if 'a myriad' was the way to say it. Again, that's like saying 'a thousands of'. People who say 'a myriad of' are actually saying 'a thousands of of' and I suggest we all laugh at these people. Loudly and incessantly. Until they go away.

And I can't come over and find stuff for you, but I want you to do the following:

Look in the second drawer of your study desk (or the closest thing you have to a study desk, if you don't have one). Then look behind your couch, under your bed, and in the laundry. I think you'll find your missing items in those places.

If you're looking for paperwork, check the latest pile of bills you left lying around - I think it's under them.

If you're looking for keys or other small items, you'll find them wrapped in the clothes, rug, blanket or sheets that were discarded after you fell asleep for a few hours the other afternoon.

Let me know how you get on.


At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 12:24:00 pm, Blogger littlefaeriegirl said...

oh yes, i have a ridiculous flamer. quite possibly the same one who's been traipsing about most of the adelaide blogs and leaving rude comments


yep, thats about all i have to say about that now, splah

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 1:20:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Was 'splah' your word verification word? If so, how fitting! :)

I've just weighed in with my opinion of the flaming going on on your blog, but I notice that no one else really has.

I hope I didn't comment where I should have stayed out of it! My apologies if I did.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 1:49:00 pm, Blogger elaine said...

bevis, it will come in two lots, though the second you will have to fight your greedy, rude and previously unknown cousins' for.

The relations are not dead yet.

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 1:51:00 pm, Blogger littlefaeriegirl said...

actually, i had comments from friends in the other posts but i deleted them along with hers. you can read them if you like, i still have them

thanks for popping your muppety head in :)

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 1:59:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Excellent news; thanks Elaine. Bring it on.

And no worries at all, Little Faerie. :)

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 4:02:00 pm, Blogger Peter said...

We are toying with the idea of doing City of Angels next year. Stay tuned. It is most definitely a rocking show.

At Thursday, November 03, 2005 4:36:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Whoa! Need a director? Or someone to play Stone? How about Stine? Or even Buddy? :)

That's fantastic news! If you end up going with it, make sure you at least let me know when it's on.

PS - Welcome, Peter.

At Friday, November 04, 2005 10:02:00 am, Blogger Peter said...

Dude, if you've got a solid G# for "Double Talk", you're already way ahead for Stine. Sign up for the mailing list on the website and I'll make sure you know about the show.

At Friday, November 04, 2005 1:49:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

#27 You misspelled "shield".

Try proof-reading your own work.


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