I Blogged Myself

Why do you always come here? I guess we'll never know. It's like a kind of torture, To read this blog, y'know.

Welcome to the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational blog since Kermit left just a little bit of the swamp in his pants.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Regrets - Here They Be

Here are the Ten Regrets of my life:

1. I regret never being tagged on my blog. Not once. (Poofs.) In all the tagging games that've gone on around me, I've sat here patiently, waiting my turn ... but no. Everyone's more interested in everyone else but me. Fair enough, I s'pose. I can be pretty two-dimensional. OR SO YOU'RE ALL THINKING! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!!

Ahem, sorry about that momentary lapse in deportment. Where was I? Oh yes.

YOU'RE ALL A PACK OF ARROGANT BAST-- sorry, no. I was going to say this: I may not be quite the dullard you could be assuming I am. I might surprise you, y'know. And if not, well done, clap clap, who's a clever boy then, have yourself a biscuit.

The point is, I'm going to have to take it upon myself to do my own thing here. If I chose to tag people, I certainly won't choose YOU.

(Actually, is it possible to "regret" not being tagged? Surely that's just disappointment, rather than a regret? It's not something I could control, so I couldn't have altered it by doing or not-doing anything. Still, I regret not speaking up about it before now. And I regret being made to feel this insignificant. And I regret being such a girl about it.)

2. I regret my speech as groom at my wedding reception. I only had one shot at it. And I did very well, considering. But I forgot to mention my best man. Horror of horrors, it shames me to this day, and I still feel the cold icy chill of shame and regret race down my spine, whenever I think of it. I expect I always will. He'd done such a great job, delivered such a brilliant speech, and I'd thanked every-frickin-body-else for coming and doing their bit ... it was such a glaring oversight, it's amazing people didn't boo as I started to wind it up (although I'd been talking for 40 minutes by that point* ...). Allow me to point out, however, that Wifey had just surprised the pants off me** when making her speech moments before and heading up to the band to perform her surprise song that she'd written for me! So I was just slightly dazed and speechless after the emotional high of hearing such a beautiful song sung to me by my new beautiful bride. Also, let it be known that I thanked the four groomsmen (which included the best man), and when I intended to lead in to thanking the best man specifically, I was sidetracked by something and lost my place in my notes. Still, it does nothing to quell the pain.

3. I regret that I didn't put enough money on those failed eBay bids on rare Muppet collectibles as I clearly needed to, if I was going to win them. Letting them slip by me was a devasting blow, and I may never see their like again.

4. I regret that I had a miserable Year 10 and was so unimaginatively ridiculed without rhyme or reason (none that was fair, anyway), that there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I took it, 'secure' in the knowledge that they were the real idiots for believing lies about my supposed stupidity. Little did I know the deep scarring all the bullying was doing to me. I wish I could have set the meatheads straight on their gross misjudgements of me, because now - when the realisation of its damage has dawned on me - it's way too little way too late. Although I could say they were the poorer ones for not getting to know me first and making up their own minds about me, that's not really accurate, is it. They honestly don't care and had laughs at my expense, and I'm the one who's still writing about it in a list of regrets on the Internet.

5. I regret taking Roaccutane as a teen to 'clear up' the cystic acne I had on my back, shoulders and neck. (Nice, I know. Try living it.) It was a whole new kind of torture and ostracization (if that's a real word - which I know it's not). It left me with bad scars and skin tissue from which I now grow long, unruly hair. But it's better than if I hadn't taken the stuff, I guess. It would have spread to my face or something. Or lasted a lot longer and left me with way worse scars. But the unstoppable 45-minute nose-bleeds at the time and the premature balding at 28 were things I could have done without.

6. I regret not having properly mourned Nanna's passing.

7. I regret treating my sister with contempt when we were growing up.

8. I regret not having changed jobs at some point since I finished uni. Something. Anything. Except teaching. I regret not having made it as a writer or film-maker. Or even as an actor, even though Cotton's experiences often make me glad I let that particular dream waft away when it did (not necessary never-to-return, though - I've never bolted that door).

9. I regret not even having ten regrets in life.

* Not really. It was more like 50 minutes.

** Not literally. At least not for a few hours yet.


At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 8:40:00 am, Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

Please PLEASE don't regret not being tagged, at least not for your first regret. Seems people are self tagging these days too..


At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 8:40:00 am, Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:29:00 am, Blogger elaine said...

you can take regret 1. off the list. Please see the update over at my place.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:34:00 am, Blogger elaine said...

ps. I was never ridiculed in rhyme either. Perhaps some special poems or some rapping would have made it easier. Or at least more fun...it could have been like that scene in 8 mile where eminem has the mc battle. THAT would have been cool.

I only had yoghurt tipped on my head in the playground, on a 30 degree day.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:52:00 am, Blogger Adam said...

I regret not actually having a good enough memory to actually remember any regrets.

I guess that's the retarded thing about thank you speeches, you'll only ever remember the things you left out. I'm sure your best man didn't take it to heart, I'm very sure you've made it clear to him all the gratefulness. It really is one of those things that you are the only one to remember.

Bummer about the hardcore acne dude, totally a lose lose situtation. I don't think that would have gone well either way. It was awesome honest of you though, I feel a bit touched (um, dude can you move your hand away) that you shared all this with us.

I'm sure the tagged thing is upsetting but man I laughed, you are freakin hilarious. The second outburst caught me completely by surprise!

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1:21:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Thanks Sheriff, I may have to self-tag anyway, just to make myself feel loved! :)

Thanks Sheriff, I may have to self-tag anyway, just to make myself feel loved! :)

(Sorry - I had to!)

Elaine, I very much appreciate you tagging me as an afterthought, but I'm not sure that it really counts, seeing as I had to have a whinge before I was tagged. Don't think this rant and rave was directed at you; it wasn't. And please don't get me wrong - I appreciate you tagging me now, and you're very kind - but I don't think I like what this makes me. In fact, what does it make me? Suggestions, anyone? (Feel free to cut sik.)

Also, your rhyme / rap comment made me laugh! Good call. Sorry to hear about the yoghurt; sounds awwwwwwwwful. Unfortunately I just had to endure mass acorn-peltings in the quadrangle and homophobic graffiti completely covering my (black) bag in (white) liquid paper, etc.* Plus the usual insults from every angle, and EXTREMELY bad rumours being spread like wildfire throughout the school. Weak morons.

Adam, thanks for your comments. I've certainly mentioned it to my best man (only once, though). I think it's something he certainly would have noticed (but not in a malicious way), and probably been offended by. He thanked me as best man at his wedding just three months earlier, after all. But apart from that, I've been too ashamed to bring it up again. I guess he might read about it here, though. That's either very cathartic or cowardly; take your pick. As for the acne; I grew out of it, and I knew who my real friends were. It's just the outside, and as all cheesy American Christmas TV movies have told us, it's what's inside that counts. (Like your spleen, presumably.) Glad I could make you laugh. And I'm sorry about my hand; it does that on its own sometimes.

I notice MelbourneGirl and Thomasr haven't commented yet today ... I hope I didn't anger them yesterday with my 'tease' post.

* All you cruel bullies out there, I hope you're taking notes - these are completely de-moralising ways to crush someone in the school environment! Go for it. There will be a test.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1:53:00 pm, Blogger elaine said...

are you kidding, BEVis? Whinging ALWAYS counts!

(If it means anything, I did think of you but in the end went with the 'Ladies' theme - and that's not sympathy)

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:10:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...

Dude, did you ever have a school reunion?

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:42:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Why do you ask? You think I should take years' worth of aggression out on the culprits now that I'm "big and strong, like King Kong"?

The answer to your question is yes, Ms Fits and I both went to our ten year reunion two years ago. (That's where we met up again, she told me about her blog, and things went from there.) It was great to see each other, and pretty much pointless otherwise. (Although I think Fits got her jollies seeing a few of the 'hunks' she'd had a crush on, back in the day.)

Apart from that, both Fits and I had kept in touch with the friends who were worth staying in touch with, so 'catching up' with the slime of the school didn't really appeal.

Maybe at our 15 or 20 year reunion, when I'm a world-famous blogger and can rub it in their faces, I'll attend a reunion again and give all those heroes a big clap on the back for being such tools.

But it just sounds like a school nerd's dream, doesn't it? This whole "show them who's laughing now" idea? Pretty lame if you ask me. I don't expect these people will ever feel bad for what they did. That was (and probably still is) their nature.

Anyway, I'm spending too much time even blogging about it. They're really not worth the energy I've already spent on them, so I'm going to leave it alone now.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:45:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Thanks for allowing me this outlet, though! :)

Feel free to answer the 'why do you ask' question regardless.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 5:17:00 pm, Blogger LadyCracker said...

I hear you school reunions. I was such a dork my school reunion was a pleasure as I had grown up to be a little less dorky.
Still I avoided some people due to absolute fear.

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 6:02:00 pm, Blogger MelbourneGirl said...


about the tagging, you can't be mad at me cause the last time i played, i didn't know you well enough

and about the speech as groom. at least you didn't go on and on about your best man, to the point where it became uncomfortable for said best man, and every one else in the room, so much so that years later your best man would cringe and not want to talk about it, because it had sounded like the groom was actually in love with the best man.

things can always be worse

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 6:15:00 pm, Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

sorry I suck..

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 6:26:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Not at all, Sheriff, not at all. I found it amusing and wasn't going to delete the second copy (but it's fine that you did if you wanted to). Don't be so hard on yourself. I appreciated your valiant efforts to get your comment across!

MG, I'm not angry at any one person, don't worry. And you make a good point about the best man thing. I'll suggest that to him if I ever mention this to him again, and see if he agrees!

BTW, I'm noticing a distinct change in how other bloggers are suddenly putting my name in all caps now ... amusing!! :)

At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:25:00 pm, Blogger Adam said...


I asked about the school reunion because my 10 year is this Saturday. I had hardly any trouble at high school, and I still have little to no interest in going. It was a single sex private school so it's going to be bizarre blokey and stupid. The dudes I'm interested in catching up with I tend to see semi-regularly anyway.

So, it's been on my mind a little, then reading this post made me wonder if you had bothered or not. Hence the question and outlet.

Thanks dude! Case closed.

At Thursday, October 20, 2005 8:38:00 am, Blogger sheriff of nothing said...


At Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:27:00 am, Anonymous Her Radicalness said...

Hey, I got hated-on at that school, too, Bevis. And, if I do so correctly recall, you weren't particularly nice to me... But no-one really was. That was a horrid school. People wre all horrid. I hung out with the other social misfits, and we all hated each other, too, but we recognised a common bond of not having anyone else to hang out with. So we pretended to be friends. Yuck. I was glad to get kicked outta that hellhole when I did.

I'd love to go back for the ten-year next year, because I am waaaaaaay cooler than ANY of the rest of them, and I would just feel so stupidly superior - I'd be Janeane Garofolo at 'Romy and Michelle's High-School Reunion'. Out the back, smoking cigarettes, talking to the mysterious guy.

And, may I just say, I remember when you had more hair - it looked really bad.

At Thursday, October 20, 2005 2:02:00 pm, Blogger ms fits said...

Those people are utter cunts, Bevis. They are not worthy of your attention.

Except of course Christie Mackay. That girl was Trouble. Take her down. x

At Thursday, October 20, 2005 6:24:00 pm, Blogger BEVIS said...

Sorry, LadyCracker - I didn't mean to miss you before. Thanks for your comments. I know exactly what you mean. Even though I had no reason to 'fear' these people 10 years later, I still saw some of their faces and that bolt of panic shot through me "like old times". It's funny in a not-at-all-funny kind of way, isn't it. That's what I meant by saying I was almost surprised by how deep the scarring runs (and I don't mean the cystic acne scars! - which actually aren't so bad, after years of them gradually fading a little).

Adam, if you end up going to your 10 year reunion this weekend, let us know how it went. I wish you well and hope you enjoy yourself. That's the whole idea behind them, after all. Maybe you'll surprise yourself and actually have a great time. No touching, though.

Her Radicalness, what can I say, you were a little punk. :) Still are, but in a totally likeable way. Nah, I think by the time you came along, I was more accepted in the school (Year 12 for me by that stage, wasn't it?) and my hilariousness had started to seep through into some (but very few) of the others' minds. So I may have been a little cocky, but it was all meant in a good-natured way. Certainly I never wanted to ostrasize anyone. As I recall, I used to try to make you laugh, but for some bizarre reason, you seemed like a very angry person. :) Can't picture why I would have thought that of you at the time ...

Ms Fits, thanks. You make me laugh. Actually, Christie MacKay was just your sworn-enemy-for-life, as I recall. But as I always say; everyone's entitled to one high school bully-related murder. Christie is clearly yours.

I know who mine is ...


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